dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
