I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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