I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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