Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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