Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
