Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
