i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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