My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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