I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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