He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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