Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
