I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize