i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
