Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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