My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
