This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
