my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
organizing the empties. That sober.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
