Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
