Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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