Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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