I only kidnapped one of them. chill
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You've changed since you got that strap on
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
