Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Randomize