There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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