She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
