I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
