That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Just cropdusted the office
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
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