life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
