Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
