I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
