She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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