I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
