Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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