my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
