I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
