Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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