I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
