She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
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