Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
