if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
