im having a threesome with these popsicles
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
you had me at cake vodka
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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