Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
