Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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