I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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