I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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