would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
