He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
So apparently I’m into choking now
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize