Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I would fuck him just for his dog
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
