Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I AM VODKA MAN
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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