Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
