I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
