my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
