im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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