Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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