I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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