he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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