I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
