hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
