I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
