so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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