I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
