dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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