oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
it's great music for shaving your balls
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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